


The Pact

by notimmortal



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, But all I gave him was death, Connor needs happiness, I hate killing characters off but this happened, I'm Sorry, I've only ever done it once before and I still don't like this power, Jared is a bit of a dick, Like for real this time, M/M, Probably ooc, Suicide, TW: Suicide, but what can you do, until he isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 12:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14332947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notimmortal/pseuds/notimmortal
Summary: Jared and Evan stopped being friends around the start of Junior year, where Evan and Connor started being friends. As things progress, Evan and Connor made a suicide pact. They plan to go together.But Evan lives.





	The Pact

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello!
> 
> So I got this idea after reading the book "My Heart and Other Black Holes" by Jasmine Warga. Amazing book, made me cry, had a suicide pact which then leads us here. This did take a lot out of me and I was in a real crap mental space afterwards, which was not so great since I've been in a crap mental space a lot lately, but I was fairly happy with how this turned out so I decided to post it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy and I'm sorry in advance for killing Connor.

“We’re gonna be best friends forever, right, Ev?” a six year old Jared Kleinman asked his friend, Evan Hansen.

 

Evan smiled widely. “Of course, Jared! I don’t know what I would do without you!”

 

And, because they were six, that was an easy thing to say.

 

***

 

Jared started being really mean to Evan at the start of Junior year.

 

“Come on, Ev, you know we were only ever family friends,” Jared said one afternoon while they were hanging out together. “As long as I’m nice to you, my parents won’t be on my case and Heidi thinks you have a friend. Why ruin a good system?”

 

“I… I just… I thought we were actual friends,” Evan said, voice small.  _ Best friends _ , he thought to himself, recalling their childhood when it was just the two of them against everything else. What had happened?

 

“Evan, come on, we were kids when we were friends,” Jared said, not looking at Evan. “Some things just don’t last.”

 

_ Right _ . Evan thought to himself.  _ Some things don’t last. _

 

***

 

It was a few months after Jared had made it explicitly clear that the two of them weren’t friends that Evan found himself forced into acquaintanceship with one Connor Murphy.

 

The two of them had English together and the teacher was assigning a partner project. Nobody ever dared to go near Connor and nobody wanted to be caught dead with Evan, so the two of them found themselves working together.

 

Evan was terrified at the prospect of having to work with Connor. 

 

“What if he kills me, Jared?” Evan said to the other boy one night when the Kleinmans had come over for dinner. “I… What if he just doesn’t do any work and I have to do the whole thing myself and then we fail because I can’t handle the pressure and ohmygodJaredwhatif-”

 

“Hansen!” Jared snapped, stopping Evan in his tracks. “Murphy isn’t going to kill you and you’re gonna do fine on this project so stop freaking out, okay?”

 

Evan nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Jared had never, in all their years of knowing each other, called him by his last name. He knew, deep down, that he really was losing Jared, his only friend and the one constant in his life. Whatever it was that he had done to deserve this, Evan didn’t know, but it was cutting him into pieces. 

 

He and Jared didn’t talk much for the rest of the night, only making polite conversation when their parents were paying attention. And if Evan cried alone in his room after the Kleinmans had left and his mother had gone to sleep, nobody needed to know.

 

***

 

“Hansen,” a gruff voice snapped from behind him in the hall at the end of school the next day. Evan jumped, yelping, and turned to see Connor Murphy standing there. “Woah, hey, don’t… I’m not… Are you okay?”

 

“I, um, yeah, I’m fine. You just scared me,” Evan said softly. “Sorry.”

 

Connor smirked but there was no joy to his expression. “Christ, even you’re scared of me.”

 

“No!” Evan yelled, even though it was a lie. Connor did scare Evan, with his dark clothing and his angry temper. “I… I just get anxious and you appeared out of nowhere and-”

 

“Hansen,” Connor said, much softer this time. “It’s okay. I”m sorry for scaring you, I just wanted to know if you wanted to start working on this project today.”

 

“I, um, sure! Yeah, let’s… Let’s start that.”

 

“Cool, you wanna come over?” Connor said, adjusting his backpack.

 

“Like, right now?” Evan said, panic flashing through him. 

 

“No time like the present, right, Hansen?” Connor smiled at him, and something about that did calm Evan down some. 

 

“You’re right. No time like the present.”

 

“Come on, then. We can walk back to mine, my sister is staying late for band or something.”

 

Evan nodded following Connor and shooting off a quick text to his mom, letting her know he was going to do some work on a project. She replied with her usual “That’s great honey, I’m working late so if you need food there’s money on the counter”. 

 

“So, Hansen,” Connor falling back some to match Evan’s pace. “What are you thinking for this project?”

 

“I, well.... We’re supposed to pick and report on any topic and um, well, the…. The only thing I really know a lot about is…” Evan trailed off, feeling embarrassment and panic rising in him. 

 

“Is?” Connor asked, not sensing Evan’s growing dread.   
  


“I… This is going to sound so lame but… I know a lot about trees?”

 

Connor stopped walking for a moment and turned towards Evan. “Why do you do that?”

 

Evan started fiddling with the bottom of his shirt. “Do… Do what?”

 

“You question yourself and talk yourself down. A lot. I’ve seen you do it in class almost every time the teacher calls on you. I don’t get it, you have good things to say, why hide from them?”

 

Connor sounded so genuine that Evan forgot for a moment that he used to be afraid of this boy. “I, well… I have bad anxiety. Really bad. I, um, I take medication for it? But… Sometimes I skip it, because, well, nevermind that I just… I don’t know.”

 

Connor started walking again, Evan following behind, berating himself for saying something so stupid. Before Evan could get too sucked into his own head, Connor spoke softly, “I have anger issues and am probably depressed. My parents don’t care, so I try to ignore it too. I get where you’re coming from, Hansen.”

 

The two walked the rest of the way in silence, but something was growing between them, it was easy to tell.

 

***

 

The English project had come and gone, but Connor remained a fixture in Evan’s life. 

 

The two of them had exchanged phone numbers during the project and now spent hours texting or talking on the phone together. Evan was surprised, at first, to find that Connor was still going out of his way to spend time with him. He had asked him about it once, when his anxiety was getting the better of him, but Connor had brushed away his fears. “I like spending time with you, Ev. You’re interesting. And you don’t judge me for anything.”

 

Hearing Connor use Jared’s old nickname for him still sent pangs of sadness throughout his body, but Evan was getting used to it. Jared was still only talking to him when he felt it was completely necessary, but it was okay because Evan wasn’t alone anymore.

 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Murphy,” Jared had said during one of their ‘required’ meetups.

 

“Yeah, so?” Evan said, not looking Jared in the eye. “It’s not like I have anyone else to spend time with.”

 

“Ev, I-” Jared cut himself off, looking away. “Never mind. Just… Be careful around him, okay?”

 

Evan nodded, if only to end the conversation being had by the two of them. He didn’t get why Jared sounded as if he cared, it’s not like he cared about Evan at all. They were family friends, that sentiment had been ingrained in Evan’s mind, so why pretend to care now?

 

Evan brought this up to Connor later that night while they were on the phone. “I just… I don’t get it, Connor. Why… He was my best friend for almost all of my life and now… But of course when I finally get another friend he pretends to care and I just…”

 

“You deserve better than Kleinman,” Connor said after a moment. Evan opened his mouth to protest but Connor spoke before he could. “You do. You don’t deserve to have someone walk all over you and use you and… You deserve people who care about  _ you _ Ev, not people who only care when they need something.”

 

Evan started to cry as Connor continued to say kind things about Evan. “I… Connor… Thank you. Thank you so much.”

 

“Any time, Ev.”

 

***

 

Junior year was drawing to a close and Evan and Connor were all but inseparable. The two of them talked every day and more often than not Connor found himself at Evan’s place sleeping over to avoid his family. Jared and Evan had basically stopped talking, which hurt Evan more than he thought it would, but Connor was always there to make things okay.

 

It was on one of the many nights that Connor was staying at Evan’s place that it finally happened. 

 

It was the weekend, Heidi was working a double, and Connor’s parents didn’t care about where he was. The two boys were laying on Evan’s bed, watching Planet Earth, and talking quietly about their final month of school. As the conversation gave way to comfortable silence, Connor turned to Evan. “Ev, I… I’m gonna try something, okay? And if you don’t like it, all you have to do is tell me to stop.”

 

“I… okay.”

 

Slowly leaning forward, Connor pressed his lips against Evan’s. The kiss was brief, with Connor pulling back to see if Evan was okay with it. Before he could ask, Evan closed the gap and the two were kissing once again. When the pulled apart, both blushing furiously, the boys laced their hands together.

 

“So…”

 

“So…”

 

“We just did that,” Evan said, smile finding its way onto his face. “I… We just did that.”

 

“We did,” Connor said. “Was it okay?”

 

“It was more than okay. I… I really like you, Connor.”

 

Connor smiled, pressing a kiss on Evan’s hand. “I really like you too, Ev.”

 

***

 

Things for the boys were good, but they weren’t perfect. Both of them still had serious issues with mental health, something even a relationship couldn’t fix. They helped each other, but as summer started, both boys could tell things were getting worse for them mentally. 

 

“I, Ev… I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” Evan let out a sharp gasp. “Not this as in us, Ev. But…”

 

“But?”

 

“I… I want to kill myself, Ev. Every goddamn day. And being with you, it’s brought so much happiness to my life and yet…”

 

Evan was quiet for a moment, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. “I… I get it, Con. I really do. There are days where I question why I keep going and I’ve thought about it more than I’d like to admit.”

 

Connor placed his head on Evan’s chest. “I… I have an idea. And you can say no! Don’t… don’t say yes just because you think it’s what I want. But…”

 

“But?” Evan asked again, tightening his grip on Connor.

 

“What if we did it together? Like… Like a suicide pact. We go together, with each other every step of the way, and… And we get to be done with all of this.”

 

Evan’s mind was racing. He knew this wasn’t a good idea and that he should say no and that he should insist that the two of them go and get actual help so that they could stop feeling like this and yet…

 

“Let’s do it.”

 

***

 

They planned to do it at the end of the summer.

 

“This way we can enjoy this last little bit of time together before…” Connor had said, trailing off. Neither of them really liked to say aloud what they were committing to. An unspoken agreement of the pact was not to mention the word.

 

“Yeah. That… That sounds nice.”

 

And it was. For the entire summer, they were like two normal, healthy boyfriends. They went on dates, had dinner at each other’s houses (Connor had started spending more time at home, wanting to see his family a little more before the end), and just… lived for a little while.

 

They also planned.

 

“I… The trees. That’s…. That’s how I’ve always pictured it. Just… climb up. Let go,” Evan said one night while they were laying in bed. “But we don’t have to do it like that if you don’t want.”

 

“I always imagined overdosing,” Connor whispered. “But I think your way sounds better. More definite. Less likely someone will find us and stop us.”

 

Evan nodded, squeezing his boyfriend tightly. As much as Evan wanted things to be over, he didn’t want to let go of Connor. He didn’t want to lose him, even if he was to lose himself. Part of Evan wanted to call it off, give it all up. But he couldn’t do that. Not when they were so close. 

 

They wrote their notes the night before, not letting the other see. Both of them decided to keep the notes on them, lest someone find it and stop them. As they made their way to the park and found their tree, Evan felt something building in him. Nervousness, fear, regret, Evan didn’t know. And he supposed he never would.

 

“One last kiss, before we do this,” Connor said. “I… I need you to know that I love you before we do this.”

 

“I love you too,” Evan whispered, tears threatening to fall. The two boys met in the middle, sharing one final kiss. When the pulled away, Connor started the climb.

 

They were probably thirty or forty feet up when the branch Evan was holding onto gave way. Evan was plummeting towards the earth, hitting a few branches as he fell.  _ This is it. _ He closed his eyes, ready to embrace the darkness.

 

But all that came was a sharp pain.

 

Evan cried out, knowing that he hadn’t died, feeling like the bone in his arm had snapped. He looked up, expecting to see Connor falling to the ground beside him, but instead he saw Connor racing down the tree to Evan. 

 

“Ev! Ev it’s okay, you’re gonna be okay,” Connor said, reaching the other boy and pulling him into his lap. “You’re gonna be okay,” he said again, a few tears making their way down his face.

 

“Con, I’m sorry, the branch broke, I didn’t-”

 

“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Connor repeated, pulling Evan close. “I’m gonna call for an ambulance, okay Ev? You’re gonna be okay.”

 

“But-”

 

“Give me the letter, no one will know, we can just say you fell,” Connor said, holding out his hand and he struggled to get his phone out of his pocket. Evan handed Connor his note, trying not to accidentally move his injured arm. Once Connor had put his note in his pocket, he handed another piece of paper to Evan. 

 

“Con, what’s this?”

 

Connor didn’t say anything to Evan, talking instead to the paramedic on the phone. When he hung up, he turned back to Evan. “You’re gonna be okay, Ev. Help in on the way.”

 

“Yeah, but Con, what’s this?”

 

“It’s for you, Ev. I’m sorry.”

 

“Connor, what are you talking about?” Evan asked, panic flooding his words. “Connor?” In lieu of response, Connor opened his hand and revealed an empty prescription bottle. “Connor? What… But when… When did you even…”

 

“Before the climb. Not as fast acting as I would’ve hoped, but I’ve been fighting off the urge to vomit it up since I got down here with you. It won’t be long now.”

 

“Connor, no, Con, we were supposed to do this together, Connor I-”

 

Connor cut him off with a kiss. “You didn’t want this, Ev. I could tell. I’m sorry.”

 

Connor’s eyes fluttered shut as Evan heard footsteps rushing towards them. Someone was trying to speak to him, but all he could focus on was Connor. “Connor, no, don’t you dare do this to me, Connor please, wake up. Please. I can’t… I can’t do this without you. I can’t be alone again. Please. Please!”

 

The next thing he knew, Connor was being pulled away from him and put on a stretcher. Evan was forced into the back of the ambulance, paramedics careful not to injure his arm further but it didn’t matter to Evan anymore.

 

His heart was already broken.

 

***

 

They had his mom tell him the news after they put his cast on.

 

“They tried their best, sweetheart, but Connor didn’t make it.”

 

Evan said nothing, tears streaming down his face. He couldn’t help but feel like this was his fault. He knew he shouldn’t have agreed to this, he could’ve gotten Connor help. Gotten them both help. 

 

“Did you know?” His mother asked, no malice in her voice, just curiosity. “Did you know he was going to do something like this?”

 

“I… He had mentioned wanting to before. But… But I thought he was getting better,” Evan lied, knowing full well that neither of them were truly getting better. “I… I didn’t stop him, I didn’t know, I let him die.”

 

Heidi pulled her son close to her, cradling his face in her hands. “Evan, you didn’t let him die. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.”

 

_ But I did! _ He wanted to scream.  _ I did know and I did nothing! I tried to die with him instead of getting him help! This is my fault, all MY FAULT! _

 

“They’re letting you go home today, honey. And they’re letting me take you, but then I have to come back for another shift. I called Jared, he said he’d come and hang out with you.”

 

“Jared?” Evan asked, surprised to even hear the other boy’s name. Then he realized that his mom didn’t know, he never told her that they had stopped talking. Jared probably hadn’t told his mom either. “I… Thanks, mom.”

 

Heidi squeezed Evan, careful not to touch his broken arm. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

 

***

 

Heidi made sure Evan got inside okay before heading back to work. Jared was already there, awkwardly standing in their kitchen. Once Heidi left, Evan took a seat at the table, not even looking at Jared.

 

“Hey, Ev,” Jared said softly, almost frightened. 

 

“Don’t call me that,” Evan said, voice barely above a whisper.

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t call me that,” Evan said more forcefully, voice cracking. “I… He called me that. And he’s... Please. Just don’t.”

 

Jared assessed his former friend from across the table. He looked so small, so broken. Jared knew that Connor had taken his own life, and he knew that would be hard on Evan, but it seemed like there was something else there, too. 

 

“Evan… What’s wrong?” Evan’s head shot up, eyes filled with rage. Jared backpedalled. “That was bad phrasing. I know what’s wrong, but… Did something else happen Evan? It doesn’t seem like That Thing is the only thing on your mind.”

 

“Why the fuck would I tell you?” Evan snapped, anger he didn’t know he was harboring coming out at full force. “You left me behind. You threw away our friendship and wouldn’t even tell me why! I don’t even know what I did to deserve that! And now you want to pretend to care? Just because my mom called your mom to make you come over here?”

 

“Heidi didn’t call my mom,” Jared said after a moment. “She called me. Directly. Because she knew I would want to know and that I’d want to help,” There was a firmness to Jared’s voice that bordered on anger, but Evan knew that wasn’t it.

 

“Why? Why would you want to help after you cast me aside? Why would she even bother to call you?”

 

“Because I talk to her. Every week. About you. And how you’re doing.”

 

Evan stilled at this. “What?”

 

Jared turned away from him. “When you stopped talking to me, I still wanted to know you were okay so I would call you mom. I told her that you and me weren’t doing the best but I was worried about you and Murphy so I just wanted to know how you were doing.”

 

Evan said nothing, casting his glance down at the table. He didn’t understand. Jared made such a fuss about them only being family friends, and for what? So he could keep tabs on him behind his back? It made no sense.

 

“I still don’t understand.”

 

“I never wanted to stop being friends with you,” Jared said slowly, softly. “I just… I wanted to make other friends. To see if I even could. And the only way to do that was to… distance myself from you. Which was a shitty thing to do! And I know that. I just…”

 

“You just wanted to be liked,” Evan said softly. “No matter the cost.”

 

Jared turned back to Evan, surprise on his face. “Yeah. How did you… Never mind. Look, the point is I’m sorry Evan. For everything. I shouldn’t have done that to you. You’re… You were my best friend. I shouldn’t have tossed you to the side like that.”

 

Evan got up and walked over to Jared, carefully pulling him into a hug. “I can’t fully forgive you right now, but it’s a start and we can go from here.”

 

Jared smiled, squeezing Evan. “I’d like that.”

 

***

 

It wasn’t easy, getting back into the groove of friendship. There were still arguments and struggles, but they worked through them together.

 

A bigger problem came around Connor’s funeral. 

 

Evan was supposed to speak, and he was terrified. Terrified to speak in front of all these people who didn’t care about Connor until it was too late. Terrified that they would see right through him and know that he had essentially killed Connor. 

 

“It’ll be okay, Ev,” Jared said, nickname slipping from his tongue by accident. “Shit, I’m sorry, I mean-”

 

“It’s okay,” Evan said softly. “I… I think I needed to hear that today. It’s like he’s here, in a way.”

 

Jared squeezed Evan’s arm. “I’ll be with you the entire time. No matter what.”

 

Evan nodded, taking Jared’s hand and lacing their fingers together. Something about the action both calmed him and spiked guilt through him, though he couldn’t be certain as to why this happened. 

 

***

 

It was about six months after the funeral, well into their senior year, that Evan realized he never opened Connor’s letter to him.

 

“Jare,” Evan stopped the other boy one day before he could leave school. “I, um… Do you mind coming over for a little bit? I… I just remembered something and I don’t know how okay I’ll be when I’m done.”

 

Jared looked confused but nodded anyway, following Evan back to his house. Once inside, Evan pulled on an old hoodie, one that used to belong to Connor, and pulled the note out from his desk.

 

“I… I can’t really explain this right now. Maybe after. Or… yeah. After.” Jared nodded again, sitting down in Evan’s computer chair while Evan sat across from him on the bed. “I’m, um, I’m not gonna read this out loud. I’m sorry if this is weird it’s just… It’s for me. And I don’t think he’d… I don’t think he’d have wanted me to share this with you.”

 

Hands shaking, Evan opened the letter.

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

 

_ We’re going to kill ourselves tomorrow.  _

 

_ Well, if all goes according to plan, I’m going to talk you out of killing yourself and then finish the act alone. _

 

_ I know you’re going to be appalled when you read this, so let me explain. I knew you didn’t want to kill yourself, Ev. Not in the same way I did. You wanted life to be over, sure, but you were finding reasons to keep on living. I could see it in your eyes every day, something that made you want to hold on.  _

 

_ I didn’t have that. _

 

_ The only thing that made me reconsider for even a moment was you. Especially after I roped you into this. I knew that if it meant saving you, I would stop. For the moment, at least, I would stop.  _

 

_ I never wanted to hurt you. Never. But this was something I needed to do, Ev. It really was. It was the only way for me. It wasn’t the only way for you. _

 

_ I talked to Kleinman, before I wrote this. That might surprise you, but I had been talking to him for a while. He was worried about you, worried about me doing something to you. I know you stopped talking to him, but he never stopped worrying about you. Maybe that’s a good thing, I know there’ll be someone to look after you once I’m gone. Kleinman had no idea what we were planning, but I could tell he was on edge anyway. He doesn’t know, though, Ev, so you might want to tell him yourself if you guys start being friends again after this. _

 

_ If you’re reading this, I want you to know that I’m not upset that you lived. I want you to know that I’ve wanted you to live this entire time. That I wanted you to  _ _ want _ _ to live this whole time. You bring so much joy and beauty to live, Ev. I know it’s hard, but don’t let that go away. I couldn’t live for you, so I guess this is kind of selfish, but I need you to live for me. _

 

_ You were the best thing about my life, Ev. The one thing that made life worth living, even for a short while. I hope you know how much I love you, how much I will still love you even after I die. I will never stop loving you, but I want you to move on from me. Love me, but don’t let it consume you. Let yourself be happy. Live.  _

 

_ Sincerely, _

 

_ Me. _

 

Evan was sobbing openly by the time he reached the end of the note. He’s not sure when, but at some point Jared got up and wrapped his arms around Evan, rocking him back and forth, whispering comforting words into his ear.

 

“It’s okay, Ev. You’re okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

 

“I….” Evan cut himself off with another sob.

 

“Shh… It’s okay, Ev. You’re okay.”

 

The two of them stayed like that for some time, Evan wrapped in Jared’s arms as he sobbed. Once his crying subsided, Evan leaned his head against Jared’s chest. “Thanks, Jared.”

 

“Any time, buddy. Any time.”

 

***

 

A week later, Evan called Jared back over to his house.

 

“I… I want to explain to you what happened.”

 

“Ev, you don’t have to do that-”

 

“I want to,” Evan said firmly. “You… You deserve to know,” Jared nodded so Evan began. “I was really upset with you, after the whole family friends deal. And then Connor came into my life and for a moment, I was scared. But then I got to know him and I wasn’t scared, I was happy. I had someone who cared about me, who, who liked me. We had been dating for a little while when the topic of… the topic of suicide came up,” Evan heard Jared gasp a little bit, but Evan pushed on. “I… We decided that we were gonna do it together. That day in the park when I broke my arm… I… The branch broke before I got high enough. I wasn’t supposed to live through that day, Jare. I wasn’t supposed to be here right now, I was supposed to be with Connor,” Evan paused, taking a shaky breath before continuing. “That letter from last week… It was Connor’s note for me. He told me that he never wanted me to die, that he wanted me to live so badly. He told me… He told me to live for him. But how can I do that when I know I could’ve helped him? He told me that this was something he was going to do regardless, but I knew about it, Jared. I knew and instead of getting him help, I helped him plan it. I was going to kill myself with him, instead of doing the right thing and getting him help. How can I live for him when I put him to his death in the first place?”

 

By the end, Evan was yelling and crying, hands clenched and arms shaking. Jared put his hand on Evan’s shoulder, pulling him back down to earth.

 

“Ev, Evan, you gotta listen to me,” he said, voice shaking and afraid. “None of what happened is your fault. None of it. I know it may seem like it, but it’s not. By the sounds of it you couldn’t have changed his mind anyway. You couldn’t have done anything that would have prevented this. It’s not your fault. He loved you, that’s why he wanted you to live. Don’t get so held up in the past that you lose sight of the present. Don’t blame yourself for something he made the choice to do. This is not your fault.”

 

Evan leaned against Jared, unable to hold himself up. “I should’ve died with him, Jared.”

 

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t,” Jared said, wrapping an arm around Evan. “I’m really glad you didn’t.”

 

***

 

Evan started seeing a therapist again after his talk with Jared. 

 

Jared drove him every week, waiting in the car for Evan to be done every time. There was something changing between the two of them, Evan could feel it. But he couldn’t place his finger on what it was.

 

It wasn’t until the anniversary of Connor’s death that it all came to head.

 

Evan had been hiding in his room, wrapped in Connor’s hoodie, not moving, when Jared came over. He laid down next to Evan, pulling him close to his chest. “It’s gonna be okay, Ev. You’re gonna be okay.”

 

“I just can’t believe he’s gone. And I know he’s been gone for a year now, but….”

 

“I get it, Ev. It’s hard. But you’re gonna make it through, I promise.”

 

Evan turned around so he was facing Jared, burying his face in Jared’s chest. “Wake me up when today is over.”

 

“Of course, Ev.”

 

And he did. Once it reached one AM, Jared’s alarm went off, waking both of them. “What’s going on?” Evan asked, realizing he was still wrapped in Jared’s arms.

 

“It’s tomorrow,” Jared whispered, sleep still coloring his words. “You told me to wake you up when it was tomorrow, so now it is.”

 

“Oh,” Evan said, moving to pull away from Jared. Jared stopped him, squeezing him tighter and drawing him closer. “Jared, what are you doing?”

 

“I’m making sure my best friend is okay.”

 

Evan didn’t say anything, just snuggling himself back into Jared’s arms. It was nice, being held like this. Being held by Jared. Evan’s heart rate spiked at the thought, but then he realized what the feeling between the two of them was.

 

It was love.

 

And that scared Evan, especially on the day after the anniversary of his first boyfriend’s death. But Connor had told him to live, to move on, to continue. So that’s just what Evan did.

 

“Hey, Jare?”

 

“Yeah Ev?”

 

“I love you.”

 

Jared leaned down and kissed the top of Evan’s head. “I love you too, Ev.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated but never required. I wasn't 100% happy with this fic, but I was close enough that I decided to post it. I hope you enjoyed it. I write other shit too, and I'm always taking prompts on tumblr (ireallyneedabetterusername). All my ships are listed in my tumblr description. 
> 
> Thanks again!


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